


One Week, Tops.

by CloakedSparrow



Series: Collected Bat-Family Stories [15]
Category: Bat Family (DCU), Batman (Comics), DCU (Comics), Red Robin (Comics)
Genre: Adopted Children, Adopted Sibling Relationship, Bat Family, Bruce brings a date home, Comedy, Confusion, No Sex, No Smut, Other, Secret Identity, Short One Shot, you can't prepare for everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-11-05 18:12:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11018826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CloakedSparrow/pseuds/CloakedSparrow
Summary: What would happen if Bruce actually tried to date a civilian and introduce them to his kids?





	One Week, Tops.

Bruce being Batman isn’t just a huge part of his identity, its a huge part of his children's’ identities too. If Bruce tried to legitimately date a civilian, he would need to sit down to explain everything with all his kids (a feat all in its own) and figure out cover stories before said civilian met them. Otherwise, he might tell them Jason’s reported death was a mistake, that he was in the hospital/physical therapy all that time but then Tim or Cassandra might get asked a question and come up with a different story.

Even if they actually worked something out for every possible question that all six of them were good with, they’d have to keep their guards up whenever their dad’s date was around.

Imagine Bruce bringing his date home for a nice family dinner, then they move to the lounge for coffee afterwards, only to overhear the batkids arguing in an adjoining room when Jason suddenly says loudly, “Oh right, that’s when I was dead.”

Then Damian yells, “Are you still trying to use that? We’ve _all_ died, Todd; you aren’t special.”

Tim chimes in, “Actually, Cass hasn’t died.” Cassandra quietly confirms.

“ _What_?!” Damian sounds outraged. “How has she not died? Even _I’ve_ died.”

Dick answers comfortingly, but with a hint of amusement. “Don’t take it personally, little D. She’s just in a league all of her own.” Damian rants about being the _one true heir_ , assassin since birth, blah blah blah. Finally, Dick settles him again by pointing out that dying is a Robin thing, not a Batgirl thing.

At this point, the date is like ‘wtf?’ and Bruce has to think quick. He remembers hearing Damian and Jon talking about their video game characters as if they were actually them instead of avatars. He forces out a chuckle. “They sure love that new video game about Batman. They keep arguing over whose character is better.”

His date takes more interest then intended and asks about the game because they need to get a birthday gift for their brother who loves Batman and video games. He claims ignorance and his date decides to just go ask the batkids.

“Hi, I couldn’t help but overhear-”

Jason curses loudly and Damian throws a fork that only fails to blind his father’s date because Cassandra catches it in midair. Tim goes completely still. Dick facepalms.

Awkward silence ensues until Dick speaks up, ruffling Damian’s hair with a small smile. “Sorry about that. We’ve never quite been able to clean out Jason’s potty mouth and Damian’s on the spectrum.”

He gets Damian into a headlock to ruffle him up further while actually muffling his protest. Meanwhile Bruce’s date just nods in acceptance (and with a hint of sympathy) while Bruce stares at his assorted children with an expression only they can read. It clearly states ‘wtf I thought I raised you better than this’.

“As I was saying, I couldn’t help but overhear-”

“Oh, we were just talking about an RPG Timmy made up for us,” Jason comments, leaning on his shorter brother like he’s a piece of furniture. “The little geek loves his D&D and superheroes so he combined them. We all play as different sidekicks. Took him like, three months to work it all out but that’s cool because he has no social life.”

Tim looks murderous but says nothing. Damian snickers.

Bruce briefly shoots his children a look that reads ‘help me’ before his date turns to him. “I thought you said it was a video game?”

“I thought it was. I must have been mistaken.” Bruce attempts to shrug it off but gets an incredulous look that makes him realize he’s miscalculated.

“Your son worked on something for three months and all your kids clearly love it but you don’t even know what it is?”

“Its fine,” everyone cringes when Jason answers. “We’re all used to it and Tim’s just a replacement anyway.”

Tim leaves. Cassandra goes after him. Dick cuts Jason a look, grabs his arm and pulls him out of the room muttering ‘can’t take you anywhere’. Damian gives his father’s date one last unimpressed look before declaring that they’ll last one week, tops, before heading off to feed his pets.

Bruce forces out another chuckle. “Kids, what are you gonna do?”

His date stops returning his calls after they suggest he take his kids for family counselling.


End file.
